Perezoso Family Dreaming Of A Shite Christmas

The Spanish government and the Bank of Spain are hoping that the population in general will go out into the nation's High Streets, supermarkets, and shopping malls this Christmas and spend, spend, spend in order to boost our ailing economy.

This is all well and good - in theory - if you have money available to spend in the first place, which the Perezso family, from Oliva, in the Valencia region, do not.

It promises to be an austere Three Kings for the Perezso’s - Juan and Juanita, and their fourteen children, aged from one to fourteen, as money is in short supply.

"How can we spend money which we don't have?" Juanita demanded. "We're all on the dole in our house. We have nothing. Bloody government should pull its finger out and give us more in' benefits if the' want us to spend. The tight bastards."

The Perezso’s explained that they could barely survive on state handouts, and revealed that they were forced to supplement their modest income by selling drugs in the nearby towns of Denia and Gandia, and by putting eldest daughter, Vosene, 14, out on the streets of Pego to hawk her mutton to assorted weirdoes in right hand drive cars.

Snow hits trade in Scotland.

"We'd no say in the matter," Juan Perezso told Oliva Tattler News. "The reality is that the lass is as thick as two short planks, she's illiterate, and she'd burn bloody water in the kitchen. I mean, what are we supposed to do with her? Might as well cash in on her arse because the poor bugger's got nought else going' for her. It's a shame like, but needs must..."

The Perezsos are expected to spend Christmas day much like they spend every other day of the year - lying in bed until 4pm before getting up and turning on their 72" 3DHD TV set and watching Spanish TV’s equivalent of the Jeremy Kyle Show.

Eldest son, Rivington-Complex is apparently a dab-hand with an air rifle pellet gun, and has so far shot a sparrow and a pigeon. So Christmas promises to be not as shite as expected for the Perezso’s, as one of Vosene's punters, a farmer named Paco Deporko has offered a bag of rotten spuds and a packet of frozen sprouts towards the Perezso's Christmas dinner.

"Tight bastard," Juan grumbled. "We might as well enjoy it though. We had filet mignon with truffles and caviar last year. How the mighty have f**king fallen."

There is an International feel to this story, it could be from anywhere in world but more so from Scotland! Ed.