Funny Scottish Humour for a Burns Night Supper

It was only when researching these Scottish jokes that we remembered how dour, and mean the Scot's can be.  Before people complain about stereotyping, all  I can say is that the material was provided by a Scotsman!  This reveals that while Scots have elevated whinging to an art form, they have not lost the ability to laugh at themselves.

Cheap and cheerful lodgings
A lodger in a Scottish guest house in Milngavie, near Glasgow, was on his way to the bathroom carrying his shaving gear, when the landlady stopped him and said, 'Have you got a good memory for faces, Mr MacGregor?'

'Och aye,' Mac replied.

'That's just as well,' she said, 'because there's no mirror in the bathroom.'

Job hunting in Scotland

'Are you looking for work Jock?'
'Not necessarily - but I'd like a job.'

Scotland - The home of golf
Sign at a Scottish golf course:
'Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling.'

Canny Scots
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll give £150.'

Scots rarely drink
MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days.

MacDougal said, 'Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?'

Scottish Kirk (Church) Announcement
The following was seen on a poster outside a Kirk in Arbroath: DRINK IS YOUR ENEMY. Adjacent to this was another poster which said: Love your enemy.

Ear Muffs
Winters can be extremely cold in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his farm worker, Archie.

Noticing, however, that Archie wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the coldest day, the owner asked, 'Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?'   Archie replied, not wishing to upset his employer, 'Och, they are a wondrous thing.'

'Then why don't you wear them then?'

Archie explained, 'I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didnae hear him.'

Double-glazing in Scotland
Double-glazing is big business in Scotland in the hope that the children cannot hear the ice-cream van when it comes round.

Haggis Special - Special Haggis?

Maître d'hôtel: 'Are you here for a special occasion?'
Campbell: 'Aye, we won the third prize in the annual Robert Burns Contest, a haggis dinner for two.'

Maître d'hôtel: 'What were the other prizes?'
Campbell: The second prize was a single haggis dinner, and, if you won the first prize, you didnae have to eat the haggis.'

Footnote:
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.