New Birth Control Measure..........

 Paddy the 'Irishman' died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.  
 So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen),
 were sent for.
 Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
 Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
  So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked
 and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
 The mortician thought that was rather strange and
 then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
 Sean took a look at him and said,
 "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over"
 The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,
 "No, it ain't Paddy"
 The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
 Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
 "What? He had two arseholes?" said the mortician.
 "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes.
 Every time we went into town,
 folks would say........ Here comes Paddy with the two arseholes!!!

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway stark naked.

Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:

'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get

really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says:

'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.

'Grandpa! Go home!  You're drunk!' 

A girl goes to her new 

boyfriend's parents' house for a 

Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The girl is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her new boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under her chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The girl thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'
Once again the girl smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later she had to let yet another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.  She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing Or perhaps an Ocean liners steam whistles. Well, you get the point!

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'