A Bit of Monday Laughter

 Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.       

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
    
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?,Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
 'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.'  The water was only up to his chest.      
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
       
 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
    'Aye 'tis, hand me da shovel.'

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

 

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,  "What are you doing?" 

 

 "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says. 

  

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?" 

  

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.    

  

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous 

Why are you committing suicide?" 

  

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ....

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!