Smuggler Report.

Beyond the grave and beyond believe.

Along with the mounting concern over landfill sites rapidly running out of space, comes a new worry that the same thing is happening to Britain's graveyards. Even though over 50% of the population choose to be cremated after death, approximately 300,000 people are buried each year. It is estimated that graveyards will run out of space by 2014.

Environmental ministers have been discussing ways of alleviating the problem. Initial plans to dig graves deeper and stack coffins on top of each other have been rejected as being too distressing for the families. In death relatives could find themselves queuing forever atop a grave to pay their respects top their dearly departed.

Can't  we dig the old ones up?

Scientists now believe that the only solution is to recycle dead bodies. They claim that hair could be used to make wigs, teeth could be used in implants (saving recipients the cost of expensive crowns), artificial joints such as hip replacements could be re-used (saving the NHS money) and even breast implants could be cleaned up and re-used. Flesh and bones could be turned into first class fertilizer.

Obviously a lot of people will find the solution distressing but environmental groups, such as fiends of the earth, welcome the idea. A spokesman for the organisation is reported to have commented, ‘apart from the obvious benefits of recycling, the many thousands of trees used in the manufacture of coffins each year will be saved’.

Funeral parlours will become recycling centres linked directly to the NHS supply system and the fertilizers association. Of course some funeral parlours will go out of business but many believe that the extortionate profits they've made out of the business of death over the years should tide them over until their own deaths.

Local authorities will be in the position to lay off all their grave diggers therefore cutting council spending.

A spokesman for David (Big Society) Cameron said yesterday, “This is a win, win, situation where everyone comes out on top. The bereaved families will receive a certificate stating how their loved one, in death, continued to contribute to society by recycling their body.

The funeral parlours will receive generous commissions on the parts they supply to the NHS and fertilizers association. The government will see a decrease in the benefit payments to grave diggers with bad backs and local authorities will have more land for development”.

When asked who would bear the cost of taking the body to the funeral parlours, the spokesman replied: “As with all recycling we believe that the producer should bear some of the cost and in this situation the family of the donator will be charged a nominal fee”. When asked what he thought the ‘nominal fee’ would be, he replied “ The average cost of a funeral today is in the region of £6000 and I think a fee somewhere in the region of half that amount would be reasonable. After all we are all part of the big society and we need to contribute”.