Blast From Past Via- The Smuggler

Dear Ariel:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am almost forty and with kids, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Ariel with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through pre-menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Large Black Bag people. 

Teacher fired for extortion

A primary school teacher from Liverpool was fired for extorting pocket money from children.
Mr Hanson allegedly extorted £25 off each pupil for a pair of binoculars. Then he opened a large box which contained nothing & handed out make believe binoculars to each child.
6 year old Ben told us: "He said to put the binoculars against our eyes which we did. Like this. (See pic). We believed we had magic ones. I did see a star but that was when Tommy who sits behind me, whacked me on the head for pushing in front".
Mr Hanson would have got away with his crime had it not been for little Maria Winston. Maria's mother told us: "Maria came back from school & whined on about these magic binoculars. We sent her to her room, with no tea, after a spank, for telling tall tales. It was only when my neighbour told me the same story, see her little lad is in the same class, that I realised we had all been conned. I marched straight to the newspaper office I did".
We approached Mr Hanson who read out this statement, which was on a pretend sheet of paper.
"I did order the binoculars. There was a mix up at the suppliers & an empty box was sent. Not wanting to let the children down I decided to hand out magic ones".
We tried to contact the suppliers but they could not be found. We have also informed Social Services about the cruelty to poor Maria Winston.

This one's from a Jock !!!

'Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots
Oor Johnny walked one day
When he saw a sicht that troubled him
Far more that he could say
A fanatic muslim bastard
Wiz doin what he'd planned
And intae Glesca's departure hall
A Cherokee he'd rammed. 

A big Glaswegian polis
Came forward tae assist
He thocht "a wumman driver"
Or at least someone half-pissed
But to his shock nae drunken Jock
Emerged to grasp his hand
But a flamin Arab loony
Frae Al Qaeda's band. 

The mad Islamist nut-case
Had set hissel' on fire
And swung oot at the polis
GBH his clear desire
Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried
And sallied tae the fray
A left hook and a heid butt
Required tae save the day. 

Now listen up Bin Laden
Yir sort's nae wanted here
For imported English radicals
Us Scoatsman huv nae fear
Oor hame grown Glesca Asians
Will have nae bluidy truck
So tak yer worldwide jihad
An get yersel tae F***. 

Quickies
 
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.  
I am making some changes in my life.  
Please leave a message after the  
Beep.. If I do not return your call,  
You are one of the changes."
 
~~~~~   
  ( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words,  
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time   
to think of an answer for her first question.
 
~~~~~ Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.   
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"
 
*******************************************
 
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.
 
****************************************
 
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
 
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted,  
dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.
 
*********************************************************
 
A women asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".
 
*********************************************************
 
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
 
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
 
*********************************************************
 
Nominated as the best short joke this year...
  A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.