Funny Stories

'My interests include cooking dogs'

A survey of CV blunders reveals that job applicants are blowing their chances with gaffes such as listing their interests as "cooking dogs".
Experts found that 94% of job hunters risked missing out on vacancies through CV blunders such as poor spelling, grammar or presentation on their CVs.

Failure to use the comma led to embarrassing disclosures such as: "My interests include cooking dogs and interesting people."
In some cases, applicants' attempts to impress potential employers failed through the odd missed word, with phrases such as: "I was responsible for dissatisfied customers."
For others, the omission of a single letter consigned their CV to the dustbin: "I am a pubic relations officer."
From a sample of 450 CVs, researchers found that 81% were laden with spelling and grammatical errors, while nearly half were poorly laid out.
A mere six per cent were error-free, the study by career advisers Personal Career Management (PCM) concluded.
Mistakes were not confined to applicants for menial roles either - many of the CVs riddled with errors were drafted by CEOs, professionals and recent graduates, researchers said.
Corinne Mills, managing director of PCM, said: "Many of the people whose CVs end up in the waste paper bin are perfectly capable of doing the job. However, a poor CV means they will not get the opportunity to prove it.
"Why would anyone want to employ a lawyer or a secretary who makes spelling mistakes or errors? If they can't pay attention to their own CV, why would you trust them to work on any of your documents?"
There will always be a job for them in local government.

Laughing man prompts rescue bid

A helicopter rescue team was scrambled after screams were heard in a German forest - only to find a man laughing his head off at a new book.

A woman dialled 999 after she thought she could hear someone being tortured at the woodland near Elmstein, western Germany.
But 'victim' Roland Hofmann was astonished when armed police surrounded his car which he had driven into the forest and ordered him to give himself up and release his hostage.
He told police he had gone to the forest to read "in peace and quiet".
"We realise that people think the sound of Germans laughing is unusual, but we're sure the caller meant well," said one officer.
A German laughing! never.

Cod save the Queen?

An Australian showing of the Oscar-winning film The Queen was turned into a farce by inept subtitles.
It turned the movie, being shown to an audience of deaf people in Sydney, into a comedy of errors.
"Buckingham Palace" appeared on screen as "Burking in Paris" while the question "did you vote?" flashed up as "dead in a boat".
When a character spoke about former prime minister Tony Blair being "educated at Fettes", it appeared on screen as "educated the fattest".

And the observation that "every newspaper proprietor has blood on his hands today" became "every newspaper proprietor has blown in his hands today".
The film chronicles the royal family's struggle to meet public expectations in reacting to the death of Princess Diana in a car crash in Paris in 1997.
The outdoor screening of the film was organised by Ryde Council whose spokesman Derek McCarthy conceded the captions were bizarre.
"The copy shown did have some spelling mistakes and interpretations of the script which affected the experience for the deaf community present," he told the Sydney Morning Herald.

I bet an Aussie wrote the sub-titles. Good on ya blue.

Pensioner's radio sparks call to police

A bad-tempered German pensioner could be charged with wasting police time after complaining about loud music - from her own radio.
Elsie Weiss, 71, from Mulheim called police late at night to complain she couldn't sleep because of the noise.

But police who turned up to investigate found the music was coming from the pensioner's own radio that she had left on full volume in the back garden earlier in the day.
A police spokesman said they were considering sending her a bill for the time spent on the call and said:
"She had taken the radio outside and left it switched on full volume when she went inside," said a police spokesperson.
A neighbour said: "She always plays her music really loud - for once she gave herself a taste of her own medicine."
She must be zone deaf.

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BBC gardening team advise cannabis caller

Police are investigating after BBC gardening experts gave a man advice when he asked about growing cannabis.

Jim McColl and his team on Radio Scotland’s Beech Grove Potting Shed misheard the caller and thought he asked about cabbage.
Experts spent more than three minutes telling him which compost to use and how to feed and water, says the Daily Record.
Then the host of the show, Frieda Morrison, told him: "OK, much success then. Keep going."
Morrison said they thought they were giving advice on growing cabbage because the caller spoke about a strain called Northern Lights - the name of a cabbage but also a variety of cannabis.
The weekly Radio Scotland phone-in invites listeners to "come in from the garden, take off your wellies and relax for an hour every Sunday".
Strathclyde Police said they were looking into the incident and had contacted Radio Scotland. They are involved because the phone-in was broadcast from Glasgow. Tayside Police were also planning to investigate, because the caller said he came from Perth.
He should have asked about his problem with the weed.