Spring is in the Air.

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying
 them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been
 left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't
 see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.
 Eventually a Japanese bloke answers..."Harro", says the chappy.
 "Alright mate, where's ya bin?" asks the dustman.
 "I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.
 Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says
 "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
 "I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man.
 "Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me....Where's your
 wheelie bin?"
 "OK, OK", says the Japanese bloke, "I wheelie bin having a wank!"

A lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that the Irish are so dumb that he could get over on them easy...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.

The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Irishman attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500. The Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with the Irish!

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough.
As the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest fish in the pond, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...
This procedure also works in Birmingham, most of Essex and anywhere in Wales.