Uplifting feeling.

A friend of mine recently went in for a surgical procedure. This was to have her bum lifted. She didn't have the most pleasant experience and it wasn't entirely a success. 

She should've left well alone! 
..
She wanted to show you how it turned out, in the hope that this deters YOU from having this done............ 

Please, PLEASE, PLEASE . . . don't have a Bum Lift.  You will most certainly regret it!!

Talk about an arse on your shoulders..

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. 

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!"  Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"