Laughter Police Raid Oliva Pub.

Policia Local raided the haunt of a league leading darts team last night (120411). They were responding to complaints from residents living in the area that people were laughing. 

One customer described the scene to the Tattler reporter as being a typical Tuesday night, with the darts team doing right hand push ups in preparation for their upcoming match against Magnums Bar. The team were in full swig mode reckoning the new Amstle deal bottles were more dynamically shaped. At some point during the evening holiday makers in the bar decided to play a game of ‘Tig your It’ and the site of leading scorer Alan falling backwards of a chair with his legs in the air shouting “no I’m not It” increased the laughter levels.

When asked to comment the bar owner was heard to chunter ‘No f*****g pool table, No f*****g smoking, No f*****g laughter, I might as well open a f*****g funeral parlour.

Despite the visit from the NLEP (No laughter enforcement police) a great night was had by all.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.

So I said, "Do you want a game of Darts?" he said "OK then",

I said "Nearest to bull starts".

He said, "Baa",

I said, "Moo",

he said, "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting; in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, said "Do you get my drift?"

So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite... one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets?

So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"


Don't Laugh To Loud! The NLEP could be about.