It's the way you tell em..........

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! 

So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy bitch busy.

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I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.

Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't 

what they had in mind.

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After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.

That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13^th then."

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My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. Took her 5 hours to hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak

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Since the snow came all the wife has done is 

look through the window.

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

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Came home today to find all my doors and windows 

smashed in and everything gone.

What sort of sick person does that to someone's 

Advent calendar.

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I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

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After years of research, scientists have discovered 

what makes women happy. 

Nothing!

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A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing 

a man who had been married for 25 years. 

The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year 

 you'll get a speaking part."

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Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for 

just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

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Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. 

When I said white they gave me a lecture on

 the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. 

I think they were the Hovis Witnesses.

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