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“I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said

 I‘d got the biggest dick she’d ever laid her hands on.”

I said “You’re pulling my leg”

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers, and was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father’s day. So I got my wife an iRon for her birthday.

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.

She asked me if I preferred breasts or legs.

I told her what I really liked was a shaved fanny.

Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.

Paddy got arrested in B & Q today for punching an African woman at the till. He claims it wasn't his fault as his father had told him to go in and get a Black and Decker.

I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get 

an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"