Monday Laughter

What really happened when Elton John and David Furnish decided 
to have a baby.
They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother 
artificially inseminated with it. When the baby was born Elton and David 
were waiting at the hospital... They were ushered into a ward where a dozen 
babies were lying in their cots, eleven of whom were crying and screaming. 
Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely. A nurse came over to both 
of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these unhappy 
babies ............ and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the 
superiority of gay love!"
The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what 
happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"

KNEELING HIGH JUMP 

WORLD RECORD.

 

 

Are you 
aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP
from 
a KNEELING position ?

 

The record (0.757 
meters) - remember this is from a KNEELING position 
- 
It was set 
recently on a beach near Montpellier in 
Southern France.

The photograph below was taken a

split second before the jump - 
but it gives 
you an idea as to how it was achieved.......

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news,
You have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow
And you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.
Then the Nat ional Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 ...'
'F*** me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !! 

There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a
young man standing there who said:  "I'm a Jehovah's Witness".
I said, "Come in and sit down...., what do you want to talk about?"
He said, " Buggered if I know.., I've never got this far before."