Quick ones are the best!

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom". "How's that?" "Don't you start"

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." 

"Well you can't say fairer than that then."

Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other,

 'Can you smell fish?¹

What's got 4 legs and an arm? 

A happy Rottweiler!!

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d"

What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. 

They charged one and let the other one off.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

Two peanuts walk into a bar. 

One was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar.The barman says, 

"I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A Buddhist monk, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double

entendre. So he gave her one.

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the bar man. Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables.

 He goes up to him and says, "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"

"Yes" the old man replies "Do you want a pint?"

"No, ta. I’ve got one "ere."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his 

Y-fronts.

A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?' The man says 'A premature ejaculation'

'What?' says the woman

The man says 'I've just come in my pants'

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.¹

I said 'Why?'

He said 'My dog's died.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.