I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen." Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years."
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some joker’s sent me a magnifying glass!
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid... then I was petrified.
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.
An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? She says yes I have and I've been table ended and back scuttled a few times too.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says “What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.”
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but come back as a different creature. She said “I would like to come back as a cow.” I said “You're obviously not listening.”
Under new E.U. Law the word "Gippo" is no longer politically correct. They have to be called Caravan Using Nomadic Travellers.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get her clothes back.
I don't want you to panic but I’m texting you from A&E at Basildon Hospital . Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.
They sent my Census Form back !! In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependants?', I put 'Asylum Seekers, Gypos, smackheads, unemployable bastards, the cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show, Northern Rock, RBS, Ireland, Portugal and half of fu##ing Eastern Europe.......
Apparantly this wasn't an acceptable answer.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen." Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years."
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some joker’s sent me a magnifying glass!
My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid... then I was petrified.
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.
An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? She says yes I have and I've been table ended and back scuttled a few times too.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says “What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.”
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but come back as a different creature. She said “I would like to come back as a cow.” I said “You're obviously not listening.”
Under new E.U. Law the word "Gippo" is no longer politically correct. They have to be called Caravan Using Nomadic Travellers.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get her clothes back.
I don't want you to panic but I’m texting you from A&E at Basildon Hospital . Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.
They sent my Census Form back !! In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependants?', I put 'Asylum Seekers, Gypos, smackheads, unemployable bastards, the cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show, Northern Rock, RBS, Ireland, Portugal and half of fu##ing Eastern Europe.......
Apparantly this wasn't an acceptable answer.
THIS IS A VERY TOUCHING STORY, VERY HARD TO READ, ABOUT TWO BROTHERS WHO WERE SEPARATED AT BIRTH. IT'S A STORY OF LIFE & DEATH, AND THE CRUEL TWIST OF FATE.
IT'S CERTAIN TO STIR YOUR HEART AND TOUCH YOUR SOUL.
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